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The Campbell Report
Correspondence Chess
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"On the Square" Article
 


Neil Brennen

Neil Brennen is Historian for the Pennsylvania State Chess Federation, and is editor of the PSCF's award winning magazine The Pennswoodpusher. Until recently he was a columnist for Correspondence Chess News. Aside from CCN, his articles on chess history have been published at The Chess Cafe, and in Quarterly for Chess History, California Chess Journal, Illinois Chess Bulletin, and other publications. Neil's first book, a biography of American master Sydney T. Sharp (1885-1953), will be published later this year by Moravian Chess. He has previously contributed the review Much Ado About Nothing... to The Campbell Report.

Neil shows his humorous side in the following whimsical speculation on what "rejection letters" sent out by The Campbell Report (me) would look like. Warning ... this is a humor article and should not be taken seriously! --- J. Franklin Campbell


A selection of rejection letters
from The Campbell Report

by Neil Brennen
(posted 14 June 2003)

It has been said that the birth of the Internet is the death of the rejection notice, because now anything can and will be published, regardless of quality. (Actually, we just made that up, but someone should have said it.) To show that The Campbell Report has some standards, and doesn't post just anything (although we do host the Chess Club Potato Turda website), here are a few of the rejection letters and e-mails to submissions and requests that The Campbell Report sends out in an average week. The letters were copied from the "out" bin of the Executive Secretary to J. Franklin Campbell, Ms. Helen Blazes, while she was at lunch last Tuesday.


Dear Mr. Parr,

Thank you for your recent submission, Beyond the Toilet Police: The Threat of Drug Testing in Correspondence Chess. While it is a considerable piece of work, and must have taken you hours to cut and paste all those newsgroup postings, it probably is not an article our readers would find interesting. We haven't heard of anyone suggesting ICCF will start testing for drugs in the World Championship Finals. May we suggest you approach Chess Cafe about this article? They have a Bulletin Board on which you could post it.

As for your other suggestions, we are at a loss as to who to pass them on to, as we have no one at The Campbell Report named "The Historian".

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Hotpornpix@correspondencechess.com

Please remove us from your mailing list.

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Winter,

Thank you for your list of spelling errors in our published articles. We are glad to know The Campbell Report provides you with enjoyment.

Cordially,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Winckelman,

We appreciate very much your sending us a line from a lyric by Manfred Mann. However, we don't understand how this relates to chess, and thus are unable to publish it.

Your suggestion of a "kindergarten" chess article is under consideration, but we wonder why the Sveshnikov Sicilian is such a large part of it.

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. "French Defender",

The Campbell Report has a policy of rejecting unsigned letters or letters written under a pseudonym. While your series of love sonnets addressed to a chessplayer and TCCMB poster named "Jenny" was not without interest, we do not feel it is an item that would appeal to our readership.

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report


Dear John,

We are grateful for all your contributions to The Campbell Report over the years. However, Mr. Campbell feels that your 219 page essay Isador Flaccus: Philadelphia's Podiatrist of Correspondence Chess, was a bit too much of a good thing. Accordingly, we are not going to publish it.

May I suggest you submit the article to Correspondence Chess News? They also publish articles on dead Philadelphia chessplayers.

All the best,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Long,

We thank you for asking about reprint rights for material published at The Campbell Report for use in your new magazine. I brought the matter to Mr. Campbell's attention, and Mr. Campbell asked if the reprint rights were for new articles or ones you had already published without permission.

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Curtin,

We looked over your analysis of the opening 1.e4 e5 2.Qh5 Nc6 3. Bc4 Nf6, and we don't see the "new defensive strategies" for Black that you claim. Perhaps you should reexamine your analysis.

Accordingly, we are unable to publish this article. Have you sent it to Chess Life?

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Diamond,

Thank you for the letter from your agent and publicist, and the text of the interview conducted with you by your publicist. While we appreciate being on your mailing list for press releases, we don't think the interview you provided to us is appropriate for The Campbell Report, and so we will not be using it. Have you submitted it to Chess Life?

Likewise, while there may be a portion of The Campbell Report's readership that may be interested in the news that your performance as Screech in Saved by the Bell's first season is now available on DVD, we doubt it warrants a full length article.

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Hotpornpix@correspondencechess.com

We ask you again, please remove us from your mailing list.

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Bomwamti,

Unfortunately, we do not have the funds to advance to you to take advantage of this unusual business opportunity, although the promised three thousand percent return on our investment is very attractive. We hope the unfortunate turmoil in Nigeria that you explained in your letter works out for the best for you.

Cordially,
The Campbell Report


Dear Ms. ________________,

We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but J. Franklin Campbell is already married. We hope you will continue to enjoy The Campbell Report in spite of this circumstance.

At the express request of Mrs. Campbell, we no longer forward marriage proposals to Mr. Campbell. We will, however, send it to Neil Brennen, for his consideration, should you wish to marry a chess writer.

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Dixon,

We do not provide analysis of ongoing correspondence games as a reader service. If you feel the need to have this done, we suggest purchasing either a chess engine of some kind or a FIDE titled player. The price on both has been coming down lately, and there are a lot more of them than there used to be.

Good luck,
The Campbell Report


Mr. Hotpornpix@correspondencechess.com

Remove us from your mailing list or we will contact your Internet Service Provider.

The Campbell Report


Dear Mr. Sloan,

Allow us to express our sympathy for the capture of your former wife by Laotian pirates, and the subsequent distress it has caused you. However, since the lengthy article you submitted has nothing to do with chess, let alone correspondence chess, we feel it would not be of interest to our readers. We suggest you may wish to obtain a website, and post your article there. You may wish to consider the use of contractions in your future writing to save on bandwidth.

In answer to your other questions, The Campbell Report has no plans to add MIDI files to our articles, and we do not know of any single women in Singapore we could "fix you up with". Should you wish to meet some women, we think one of our unwelcome correspondents, Hotpornpix@correspondencechess.com, might be of some interest to you. Our providing this e-mail, of course, does not constitute a recommendation of this service.

We wish you best of luck in your new career in the transportation field. We will certainly hail you if we visit New York City.

Sincerely,
The Campbell Report

© 2003 Neil Brennen, All Rights Reserved.

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